The student council hereby amends college policy regarding class attendance:
1) Classes before 11:00 AM will now be prohibited. The internal biological clock of 18-23-year-olds is not suitable for morning classes. Holding class at these times violates the U.S. Constitution's First Amendment against cruel and unuseful punishment. Additionally, given that the extended hours of most extracurricular learning activities interfere with the sleep habits required for waking before noon, the student council has ruled in favor of former Red Sox pitcher Samuel Clemens' awesome idea that schooling should never interfere with education.
2) Classes between the hours of 11:00 AM and 2:00 PM are now banned. Given that extracirricular learning activities are notorious for causing dehydration, the munchies, and frequently require greasy foods to reinforce the previous night's lessons, the latter/former(?) hours remain open, now officially sponsored by Doritos and called "Crunch Time" with the slogan, "We're Chipping Away at Education!"
3) Classes shall not be held between the hours 2:oo PM and 5:00 PM because this is when we get sleepy from the chips and such. We think can't w/out sleeping.
4) No more classes between 5:00 PM and 9:00 PM. This is our prep time for getting ready to stay out all night. :)
5) We hereby stipulate that all educational transactions shall occur at flexible hours between 1 and 3 hours before the due date of an assignment whereby you will answer our emails and provide extensive feeback and/or massively detailed summaries of the last seven hours of course content without making that face because (Please see #1) this is not a good time for us!